When a Case Suddenly Hits Close to Home

In my coaching sessions and group courses on assertiveness and self-defense, I have worked with many women who, for very different reasons, decided to start addressing their personal safety.

For most of them, it’s about prevention. For others, there was a specific trigger: A travel agency employee is physically attacked over the counter because she explains to a customer that his ticket is non-refundable. Or a young nurse is inappropriately touched by patients.

Almost all women however, report having had uncomfortable experiences—even if they often downplay them as “not that serious”: from bullying episodes to various forms of harassment at work or in clubs where they did not feel safe.

Violence has many faces.  And often, it settles in where we least expect it, such as in relationships.

No matter if there are visible bruises or not, violence always leaves marks. Also when it shows up quietly. More subtly. Digitally.

These forms are harder to grasp, which is exactly why they often remain unnamed for a long time. Doubt, fear, insecurity, and loss of control still become constant companions.

The case involving Collien Ulmen-Fernandes has recently made headlines. It involves allegations such as identity theft, digital abuse, and psychological violence within a close personal relationship. Not what many would consider “classic violence”—but no less serious because of it.

How can you recognize violence against women—and what can you do about it? That’s exactly what this article is about.

The Many Faces of Violence

Physical Violence

This is what we all recognize immediately:

• Pushing, restraining, hitting
• Threats with a knife or other weapons
• Unwanted touching

Assertiveness and self-defense training can be very helpful here as a preventive measure. They sharpen your awareness: you learn what to look out for and how to respond in an emergency.

Prevention Starts Long Before Escalation

Don’t settle for headlines, hoping it will never affect you.

Just as you take care of your health or your appearance, taking care of your personal safety should be just as natural.

❓How safe do you feel in your daily life—at work, in your free time, when you’re out and about?
❓And how do you usually react in uncomfortable or threatening situations?

With practice, you learn to perceive yourself better, recognize warning signs earlier, and act more clearly in critical moments. This will benefit you everywhere, also at work because you become more assertive and carry yourself with greater confidence.

Self-defense courses mostly focus on physical techniques: How do I break free? How do I defend myself? That’s important—no question. But self-protection begins long before that. And that’s where the outcome of a situation is often decided.

Violence finds its way. Aggressive behavior—whether physical, psychological, or sexual—often targets people who appear accessible: distracted, isolated, hesitant, accommodating.

This is not the victim’s fault. It’s a pattern. And that’s exactly why you need to recognize and break it, before it becomes physical.

In our courses, we teach one of the most important principles of self-defense: avoidance first.

If you learn to read distance, take your gut feeling seriously, use space consciously, become aware of your own resources, and most importantly, disengage early, you often won’t need physical techniques at all.

That sounds simple. It isn’t.

Many women have been taught to be polite, not to cause trouble, to endure—even when their body is already saying, “Leave now.” Politeness is a strength. But it must never be more important than your safety or override your intuition.

How Perpetrators Test—and How You Disengage

Before a situation escalates, there is almost always a testing phase. It appears harmless or only slightly uncomfortable.

• Someone steps a little too close.
• Someone makes a degrading joke and watches your reaction.
• Someone crosses a boundary and checks whether you allow it again.

These moments are not random. They are tests. Will she give in? Freeze? Smile and stay silent?

Those who respond early and clearly—with posture, voice, eye contact, and a firm boundary—send a clear message: there is no easy way here.

These are core elements of our assertiveness training and they have a strong impact on your professional environment as well. You don’t need to be aggressive or confrontational. But you do need to stop tolerating boundary violations and waiting for things to get worse.

In this phase, your body language is crucial: how you stand, what your facial expressions show, where your hands are, how your voice sounds.

An upright posture, calm presence, clear communication, and conscious positioning in your space make a real difference.

Subtle Forms of Violence: Psychological, Emotional, Digital

In addition to identity theft, Collien Ulmen-Fernandes has accused her former partner of psychological and emotional abuse—a combination that is typical and often only recognized as violence in hindsight.

Typical patterns:

👉Gaslighting: “You’re imagining things.”
👉Control: Who are you allowed to see? What are you allowed to do?
👉Isolation: Friends and family are being undermined
👉Devaluation: “You’re overreacting.” or “You’re too sensitive.”

The tricky part: you gradually lose trust in yourself.

Digital and cyber violence is an increasingly common form of abuse. What used to be complicated can now happen within minutes.

Typical forms:

• Stalking via social media
• Tracking and surveillance through apps or spyware
• Fake profiles and identity theft
• Deepfakes and AI-generated images
• Sharing intimate content without consent
• Cyberbullying and public defamation

Stalking: When It Doesn’t Stop

Stalking is more than just being “annoying.” It’s a pattern.

At first, it seems harmless: another message, a “coincidental” encounter, one call too many.

Then it intensifies:

❌ Repeated attempts to contact you, showing up at your home or workplace, monitoring you—online and offline

It creates a system of control, pressure, and fear. Many people lose their sense of safety entirely.

Since January 1, 2026, stalking is explicitly a criminal offense in Switzerland. This closes an important legal gap and includes cyberstalking.

This is not only legally important—it also matters emotionally. It clearly states: what is happening to you is not normal. It is a crime.

Workplace Bullying

Violence is not always loud.

• Systematic belittling in front of others
• Exclusion from information
• Public humiliation in meetings or emails
• Being ignored or stripped of responsibilities

You can read more Bullying at work: how to defend yourself.

Be also aware that sexual harassment in the workplace does not necessesarily begin with physical assault. Comments, messages, or suggestive jokes can violate your dignity and are not acceptable.

Your employer has a responsibility to protect you and respond to such behaviour.

Why Women Often Stay Silent

Fear. Shame. Dependency. And often, the perpetrator is someone they trust.

Many women doubt themselves first, fear consequences, worry about not being taken seriously, experience loyalty conflicts

Perpetrators don’t always appear threatening. They can seem charming, understanding—even “good.” That’s what makes it so hard to take warning signs seriously.

Three questions to reflect on:

❓Can I be myself in this relationship?
❓Do I feel smaller or stronger after interacting with this person?
❓Do I keep explaining away their behavior as “not that bad”?

If something feels off: take it seriously. Don’t go through it alone. Talk to someone you trust or seek anonymous support from a counseling service.

What Else You Can Do

Document Evidence

If something feels wrong, document it. Immediately.

✅Screenshots of chats, emails, profiles
✅Photos—even of injuries
✅Notes with date, time, and context

This is not overreacting. This is self-protection.

If someone threatens or harasses you online, collect evidence, report the account, block the person, and seek support.

Increase Digital Security

👉Change passwords
👉Enable two-factor authentication
👉Check devices for spyware
👉Monitor unknown logins
👉Report fake profiles
👉Block abusive accounts and report content
👉Consider legal action if necessary

You Have More Options Than You Think

Maybe some parts of this article feel familiar to your situation and maybe you are dismissing some facts, thinking: “It’s not that bad.”

This is often where the problem begins.

Violence doesn’t start with escalation. It starts when your boundaries are repeatedly crossed—and you begin to doubt yourself.

✅You have the right to protect yourself.
✅You have the right to be taken seriously.
✅You have the right to take up space and be respected.

You don’t have to go through this alone.

If you want to learn how to recognize situations earlier, set clear boundaries, and protect yourself mentally and physically, start with a one-on-one coaching session or join a self-defense or assertiveness course.

💡Good to know: Both these courses are supported by the City of Zurich. Women living in Zurich receive a financial contribution of CHF 50.

💡Very important: A course does not replace therapy or structural protection measures (e.g., at work), but it can significantly strengthen your sense of safety, clarity, and ability to act—especially in boundary situations.